


Contrition

by JustLindsay



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Rafa is back, Remorse, and making up, returning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-15 20:05:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16070327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustLindsay/pseuds/JustLindsay
Summary: It has been months since Rafael Barba left Olivia standing on her own, what happens when he comes back? Does Liv even want him in her life anymore?





	1. Repentance

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just will not leave me alone so I broke down and wrote it. I think this will end up being three chapters. Let me know what you think!

Seven months without Rafael by her side and Olivia was still struggling to cope. There has been no contact between them since he left her standing in front of the court house cold, broken, and alone. She still isn’t sure how long she stood in that spot hoping he would come back for her, or that she would wake up and find that he wasn’t gone, that she’d have had some terrible dream and Rafa would still just be a call away. 

Liv got tired more easily these days, the weight of life bringing her down, wearing her out faster each day. If she had been asked what heartbreak felt like after Elliot left without a trace Olivia’s answer would be sure and confident. She knows now how wrong she was, that wasn’t heartbreak, it was painful yeah but not like this. That pain Liv felt then was a longing this, what she feels now, is a hollowness that she doesn’t think can be filled by anyone else.

Noah still frequently asks about Rafael. The six year old doesn’t understand what happened to the man that used to be in his life. He cries sometimes, or he used to, kids are more resilient than adults, Olivia realizes. Except, maybe they aren’t, maybe they are too perceptive.

Any time Noah cried asking for Rafael to come back, wondering if he was being punished and not allowed to see him, Olivia would cry with him. Through his sobbing Noah sees his mother’s tears and after some time figures out she is just as sad and upset as him. Not wanting to see his mother in any way Noah stops bringing it up with her, instead he talks to Lucy, making her promise not to tell Olivia, “because she gets sad and I don’t want Mama to be sad.” Lucy’s feels defeated when he says this, she had seen the difference in Olivia but hearing it from Noah and seeing how protective he is of her, Lucy doesn’t think she can take it. 

There is a resilience in Noah though, Lucy notices Rafa comes up less and less and his mood improves the longer time goes on. The same can’t be said for Liv though, and Lucy isn’t the only one who notices, the squad is concerned, Dr. Lindstrom tries to broach the topic, until eventually everyone stops trying. Liv, in an effort to protect herself, simply refuses to discuss the clear absence in her life, in all of their lives’, with everyone. Except for Lucia Barba, her biggest saving grace currently. 

Mrs. Barba had approached Olivia about a month after Rafael’s departure, after she has had time to process everything. Lucia has finally come to terms with Rafi’s actions and now that the anger and pain of that has faded she fully understands her little boy, her mijo, isn’t there, and she doesn’t know where he is. So she reaches out to the one person she thinks Rafi would keep in touch with. She has known for a long time how Rafael feels about Olivia and assumes that, because of this, he couldn’t bare to let her go. When Lucia finally works up the courage to visit the precinct she realize just how much she has misjudged her son.

Olivia isn’t in her office when Lucia arrives but an officer assures her that the Lieutenant should be returning shortly if she would like to wait in there for her. Sitting herself on the couch Lucia finds herself inexplicably nervous. 

While waiting for Olivia she decides to analyze the feeling. Though she has only met Olivia in very brief moments, most often in passing, the way Rafi spoke of her makes Lucia feel as though she knows her. She decides the nerves don’t stem from speaking to Oliva at all but from what she might hear. What if Rafael isn’t doing well? Or if he had instructed Olivia not to communicate things to her. Before she can think herself crazy Liv returns, striding back into her office with a single-minded focus of completing her paperwork and leaving.

Her plans are derailed when Lucia shoots up from her seat, “Lieutenant Benson, sorry to barge in on you like this, I don’t know if you remember me,” okay, maybe she is nervous of speaking with Olivia, but not very, “I’m Lucia Barba.” Lucia holds out her hand to shake.

Liv is frozen in place the moment Lucia stands, the motion of the older woman thrusting her hand out towards her shakes Liv from her stunned stillness. Shaking her head she tries to clear her mind, reasoning she is missing Rafa so much that she has now started hallucinating his mother into her life. Olivia lifts a hand, but not to shake Lucia’s, no, she tries to hold in the sob threatening to bubble up. 

Quickly, and still without addressing Lucia, Liv shuts the door and all the blinds to her office. Only then does Olivia turn back to the other occupant. “Of course I remember you Mrs. Barba,” Liv says, buts it is all she can manage with her throat clogged with the threatening onslaught of tears.

Lucia drops her hand back to her side when she realizes Olivia isn’t going to take it, “maybe this was a bad idea, I should go.” Her coat is still on so Lucia bends to grab her bag from the couch and make her way out.

Within seconds Olivia is at her side, a hand on her arm, “no! Don’t go, please.” The panic in her tone seems to win out over the crying that seeks to pour out of her. “Please don’t go,” she repeats pathetically.

Sitting on her couch Liv uses the hand on Lucia’s arm to give a gentle tug, hoping the woman will sit beside her. Lucia follows Liv’s lead and sits. Over the next twenty or so minutes the women connect over Rafael and how much they miss him, how much they want to know where he is and how he is doing. There is some comfort in knowing that there are other important people in his life that are just as cut off from him that each of them feels, though it is hard to take too much comfort in that. There are never tears between them, both women are too stubborn, and too damn proud to cry over Rafael anymore than they have.

The next days, weeks, and months find Olivia and Lucia talking constantly. They text, talk on the phone, meet for coffee, meals, shopping, everything. At some point after they have made this connection with one another Liv has the terrifying realization that, in her mind, she has begun thinking of Lucia as though she is a mother to her. It occurs to her when she nearly calls her “mom.” Olivia is so shocked by it that she goes a few days without speaking to Lucia, trying to work out where this came from, she hasn’t called anyone mom in nearly twenty years, had barely even referred to her own mother that way. Three days after what Olivia refers to as ‘the incident’ in her mind she reaches back out to Lucia, apologizing saying she was way too caught up at work. Lucia says that it is okay, she understands. Neither address the reason for her understanding and merely move on to organizing a dinner a Lucia’s apartment, arranging for Lucy to bring Noah, which Lucia does for the purpose of convincing Lucy to join them. Lucy understands where Mr. Barba got his persuasiveness from within moments of attempting to decline the invitation, which had really been more of a command.

A routine settles into their lives. The ache of Rafael’s absence lessening with the arrival of this new relationship they all have now. Olivia won’t admit, or let anyone see, but she is just as hurt and broken as that day in February.

Noah starts first grade in early September and all three, Lucy, Lucia, and Liv all put their energy into the little boy and his school work. Lucia delights in it and begins teaching him Spanish more thoroughly than he is learning in school. With Noah’s speech and language delays from earlier in his life he does struggle. Lucia is very patient with him, giving him all the time and attention he needs to really grow in his lessons. By the end of the month he is leaps and bounds ahead of his classmates, his Spanish homework is the easiest of all for him. Noah even refuses help with it, and the adults back off and they see Noah bloom.

Seven months without Rafael by her side and Olivia is still struggling to cope. Hearing Noah and Lucia speak Spanish to one another, it aches in her chest, she misses him so much. In early October, when it is really starting to feel, and especially look, like Autumn Olivia receives a text message from a number she doesn’t recognize.

“I’m so sorry about everything.” Is all she gets at first. It’s all she needs to know who it is.

The three running dots appear immediately after the first message. Apparently he has things to say to her now. 

Olivia hates that she can’t look away from her phone while waiting for his message. It takes two minutes to come through, Liv has to keep tapping her phone screen to keep it lit up.

“You were the only good thing left in my life anymore and I just cut you out. It wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t stand the idea that I might bring you down with me. Oh, I knew you would never have said anything, but I could have done it, with the state I was in. At least I thought so, at the time. I am so sorry Olivia. There is nothing in the universe I wouldn’t do to make that up to you. I miss you so much, and I don’t expect you to feel the same but I miss you. I am on my way back to New York, I’ll be there tomorrow. I want to see you, if you’ll let me? - Yours, always, Rafa”

His texting hasn’t changed, still full sentences with punctuation and everything. She hates that that this is the first thing she recognizes. And then his words break through the fog, he is coming home. Tomorrow. 

Shaking Olivia pulls up her calendar, she can barely remember what day it is at this point she is so out of sorts. Thankfully her phone puts the bubble over the date, it’s Friday, and tomorrow her, Noah, and Lucia have plans to go to breakfast and a farmer’s market near Lucia’s house in the Bronx. Liv doesn’t know what to do with herself, does she tell Noah and Lucia that Rafael has contacted her? Ask him to join them? Would he want to? Do they want him to? She doesn’t even know what time he is going to be back.

Before she is aware of it herself Liv is typing her reply, “have you talked to your mother?”

Well that wasn’t what she wanted to say. His response pops up immediately.

“No, just you.”

Now that she has brought it up Liv sees no reason not continue with her line of thinking, “talk to her mother.”

There isn’t a response this time. Olivia lets her phone lock, she still can’t bring herself to do anything or think of anything else though, only staring at her black screen. Noah comes into the living room from his bedroom where he had been playing, giving his mom a quizzical look.

The young boy walks in a wide berth around his mother to sit on the other end of the couch before breaking her concentration, “you okay Mama?”

Jolting herself and sitting up straight Olivia shakes her head while bringing the phone she has in a protective grasp into her body, cradling it to herself, “what? Oh, hi sweet boy. Do you want to watch a movie?”

Noah stares at her for a few beats, wondering what might be wrong, he has never seen her act quite like this. Even in his youth, however, Noah is aware his mother will tell him nothing. Relaxing his face into a neutral expression he nods, “yes please, can we watch Megamind?” 

Liv smiles at her son, “of course we can, why don’t you go put it into the DVD player and I will get us some drinks, we can’t have any snacks though because we don’t want to spoil dinner.”

Giggling Noah asks, “what are we having for dinner?”

This causes Olivia to pause and frown, “hmm, that’s a good question. What would you like to eat? Pizza?”

Giving her a sort aghast look Noah simply says, “duh, it’s Friday remember?” Appalled that she hadn’t assumed they were having pizza like any other Friday night of their lives.

Finally Olivia looks a bit more herself, she even squeaks out a laugh at the exasperation Noah has toward her in her oversight. “Right, you are so right my man, how could I forget?”

 

Before she can shift herself into a standing position her phone is ringing in her hand. It makes Olivia jump it startles her so much. Looking down at the device Olivia checks the display to see who is ringing her on a Friday night, hoping beyond anything it is Rafael, while dreading that possibility at the same time. It isn’t him, though it is a Barba.

Bringing the phone to her ear after opening the line Liv answers, “Hi Lucia, how are you?”

Lucia doesn’t address the question, “Rafi called me.” Her voice is quiet and wavering, like she is trying not to cry. Olivia closes her eyes at the knowledge, and the jealousy she feels that Lucia got to hear his voice.

There isn’t a chance for Liv to say anything though, “he told me you said to talk to me.” The woman on the other end of the line laughs, liking how much her son can still be predictable even going months without contact, if ever there was anyone he would listen to it is Olivia Benson.

Still there isn’t time for Liv to speak, “thank you.”

Olivia nods even though they are on the phone, it’s all she is able to manage in reaction, but says, “he said he will be in the city tomorrow.”

“Yes, he mentioned. He told me he wants to see you, I didn’t say my plans were with you and Noah but I told him where we will be for breakfast,” Liv gasps. Before Olivia might have a chance to argue, at least that’s what Lucia assumes she would do, she adds, “we can meet up for lunch instead if you don’t feel up to seeing him?” It comes out as a question more than a suggestion, she is so unsure of what Olivia might think.

Liv isn’t sure what to think, “Noah has been -” Noah has been paying attention this whole time, curious who is talking to his mother, hoping it isn’t work. He perks up at the mention of his name.

As does Lucia, but she lets Olivia finish, “Noah has been looking forward to getting breakfast all week.” Liv looks at her son who is now smiling and nodding enthusiastically. 

“Is that Cia? Can I talk to her? She isn’t calling to say she can’t come is she?” As quickly as the smile had split his face it recedes and he looks anxious, disappointed that they might not be going to breakfast, or seeing Lucia, who he has come to adore and has taken to calling ‘Cia’ to avoid mixing her and Lucy’s names up.

Dropping the receiver lower, away from her mouth, Liv address Noah this time, “yes it’s Lucia, no she isn’t calling to say she can’t come.” Correcting the phone’s position Olivia says to Lucia, “Noah wants to speak with you, would you like to tell him who else is coming?”

She is torturing herself, Olivia knows how Noah will react, he doesn’t have an ounce of anger in his body, there is no doubt in her mind Noah will be elated to see his Rafa again. So she hands her son the phone and watches him.

Clearing her throat Lucia greets the young boy after he says hola to her, “hola pequeño, cómo estás?” (Hi little one, how are you?)

Eagerly Noah tells her, “muy bien Cia, Mamí y yo vamos a ver una película! Y tú?” (very good Cia, Mama and I are going to watch a movie. And you/How are you?)

“Bien,” she says without considering it. Lucia moves on quickly, just as eager as Noah, “Noah puedes Rafi unirse a nosotros mañana en el desayuno? (Good. Noah can Rafi join us for breakfast tomorrow?)

His eyes shoot to his mother’s, as if for confirmation, “Rafa’s home?!!!?” Noah is actually vibrating with excitement.

Olivia flinches at Noah’s volume and hopes that Lucia didn’t have the phone pressed too closely to her ear. She can hear Lucia’s response of, “he will be tomorrow Noah, would you like to see him?”

Noah jumps up and down, “yes!! Can he come to the farmer’s market with us too?” His volume is still quite elevated.

Another response from Lucia before the conversation ends, “We can ask him tomorrow okay mi amor? Go watch your movie and be a good boy tonight. I will see you at breakfast, I love you Noah.”

It isn’t the first time Olivia has heard Lucia say she loves Noah but it feels different this time, stronger somehow. Noah replies in kind and clicks the end call button before tucking himself into Olivia’s side rubbing his face against her body. His smile is so wide Olivia can feel it without having to look at him. She leans back into the couch cushions and wraps Noah in a hug against herself. She takes her phone back and orders them their pizza before she remembers she had been on her way to get drinks.

Liv moves to the kitchen and gets them each water and a can of soda, but on the condition that once it is finished, even if he drinks it all before the pizza arrives, that is all he is getting. Noah agrees and focuses his attention on the water first.

The grip on her phone barely loosens the whole time her and Noah watch the movie. She only relinquishes it when the pizza arrives and she can’t hold it and eat at the same time. 

It is near the end of the movie when it vibrates again.

“May I call you?” He asks simply.

She looks at Noah who, despite all the ingested sugar, is looking rather sleepy before answering. And Olivia knows it is mean to answer like she does but she just doesn’t care. 

“No” 

She lets several long moments pass before she says anything else. He hasn’t turned off his ‘read’ receipts and so she knows he saw what she said, it makes her feel better.

“Noah is almost asleep, I will call you when he is out.”

Liv has a reply before her phone can even dim, “I’ll talk to you soon then.”

She can’t help but wonder if he might have been tempted to put a smiling emoji there. He definitely had been tempted.

It is an hour later that Olivia has Noah in his bed falling asleep ten pages into the story. Gently she closes the story book and eases herself from the mattress. Brushing a kiss to his cheek she moves to replace the book in its rightful spot on the bookcase. At least she hopes it right because Noah had insisted on organizing his collection himself and she still hasn’t been able to work out what order he has them in.

Another half an hour passes before Liv picks up her phone, she doesn’t call him though. Opting to be a coward she shoots him another text message, “I can’t talk tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

There is no question Rafael is disappointed with this, “Okay I guess I will see you at breakfast”

No punctuation, Olivia knows she has upset him. She is upset too, he had just left her all those months ago and now he is coming back and she doesn’t know what to say. Liv still considers him her best friend, had never been able to bring herself to make it a past tense kind of thing. She hopes not talking tonight won’t hurt how things go tomorrow but she needs to be able to see his face when they talk again. Rafael has been gone for seven months, she is only disappearing for a night, with a promised next time, he can wait.

The morning is exhausting. Noah wakes early due to his excitement, Liv has barely slept thinking about breakfast. Olivia manages to get Noah to allow her to sleep an hour longer before he makes her get up. They have to wait outside the diner for Lucia they get there so early, at Noah’s insistence. When Lucia arrives the two adults exchange a loaded glance, anything too heavy they might feel is buoyed to the surface, unable to bring them down, by the ray of light that is Noah Benson.

After Lucia kisses Liv on the cheek Noah latches onto her middle and erupts his delight, “buenos dias Cia! When is Rafa gonna be here? He is still coming right? I can’t wait to see him again. Do you think he will come with us to the market? I hope so! There is so much I have to tell him about.”

Lucia runs her fingers through Noah’s curls and chuckles at him as he rambles.

They are seated in a booth, having told the waitress they are expecting another member of their party to arrive shortly. It seems like Noah swivels around in his seat to look at the door every time the bell jingles indicating someone has opened it. After the sixth time Liv instructs him to sit next to Lucia so he can just see the door without having to turn. He is at her side in a second.

They haven’t even placed their drink orders when Noah springs from the table. Running and shouting, “RAFA! Estás aqui! Realmente viniste! Mama, Cia miran es Rafa!” (You’re here! You really came! Mama, Cia look it’s Rafa!)

Rafael seems stunned by the small human projectile that is currently wrapped around his middle, actively trying to climb him. Noah doesn’t have to try for long before Rafael is lifting him into his arms, squeezing tight to him. Pushing his face firmly to Noah’s cheek Rafael drops kiss after kiss there before pulling him in further to rest his head on the boy’s shoulder. It is like this that Rafael walks over to his mother and his best friend. Lucia is standing by the time he reaches the table. 

Rafael whispers in Noah’s ear, “Noah can I give my Mamí a hug? And then I promise I will hug you again.” 

Noah nods and loosens his limbs from Rafael’s torso, he lowers himself to stand on the seat next to Olivia, ready to launch right back into Rafa’s arms.

Lucia takes Rafael’s face in her hands to look at him, really take him in. She sniffs lightly but there are no tears, only joy, “oh mijo, I’m so happy to see you.”

Rafael pulls her into a tight embrace kissing the side of her head and telling her, “te amo Mamí.”

“Tambien te amo Rafi.” She replies easily. It is Lucia that moves back first, letting him go so he can keep his promise to Noah and hug him again.

With Noah in his arms again Rafael takes the seat Noah had been standing on, putting him directly next to Olivia once more, after all this time. He glances in her direction but can’t see her face, Liv has her head hanging so that her hair is obstructing his view.

Tentatively he reaches for her, “Liv?”

When his hand rests itself on her arm Olivia looks up, right into his face, and Rafael can see the effort it is taking for her to hold back the tears, “hi Rafa.”

He can’t help it, his heart soars when she uses her nickname for him. A name he only likes hearing from Olivia and Noah, and Lucy though she mostly called him Mr. Barba. Rafael rubs Noah’s back as he and Liv stare at each other. The longer their gaze holds the more Olivia’s face seems to crumble. Her lower lip is beginning to tremble and she bites down on it for several seconds before figuring it is useless.

Suddenly Olivia is looking away from her, looking at the table top instead. She puts her face in her hands and sucks in a deep breath, without turning his way Olivia addresses Rafael’s presence here again, “I don’t think this was a good idea. Can you let me out please?”

Rafael tenses while Noah and Lucia fix Olivia in their sights. It is Noah who breaks the atmosphere first, “Mama?” He questions so innocently that Olivia doesn’t think she can be here too much longer, “we aren’t leaving are we?”

Lifting her arms after turning to Noah Olivia nods, “yeah sweet boy, come here, Mama needs to go.”

Noah refuses to leave Rafa’s arms, however, “No! I don’t wanna go!” If his feet were on the floor he would have certainly stomped.

“I’m sorry Noah but we have to,” she flicks her eyes to Lucia who looks uncomfortable, but understanding. Liv doesn’t want to look at Rafael right now.

He is the one to speak next though, “I can go Liv, don’t disrupt your day because of me.” Rafael’s voice is small and full of hurt but he isn’t trying to use that against her, that much is clear.

It is Olivia’s turn to tense, and bite her tongue at the flippant remark that wants to jump out at Rafael, that he had already disrupted the day, everyday for the last seven months, what was one more? Noah puts up more of a fight, throwing himself at Rafael’s chest and hunkering down.

“Don’t go Rafa, please. I don’t want you to go.”

Hugging the boy in his arms with a quick flex of his muscles Rafael relaxes his arms to drop away from Noah. Noah is having none of it grabbing at Rafael and tugging his arms, trying to replace them around his body.

Olivia allows her eyes to go to Rafael’s face once more and sees the tears gathering there. She can’t be in this diner right now, if he wants to come with them, wherever they go that’s fine, but Olivia cannot be where she is right now.

With more anger woven through her tone than she wants Olivia looks back to Noah, “fine, we can all leave then. But we are leaving one way or another. I can’t stay here.” Her voice breaks, “I can’t do this here.” The anger fades to pleading now, “please, can we go anywhere else?”

Liv feels pathetic, and she can only stare at her hands where they sit on the table. Lucia’s hand move to rest on top Olivia’s hands, reassuring Liv that she understood, that it wa okay.

Looking to the approaching waitress Lucia tells her, “we have to leave actually, you can give this table to another group.” With that each of them stand, Noah still in Rafael’s arms, and make their way outside. Once out of the diner Lucia speaks to Olivia, “mirame, está bien?” When the younger woman nods Lucia sighs but continues on, “we can go to my house, have a bit of privacy.”

Nodding again Olivia turns and walks with swift purpose back to her car. Lucia takes the passenger seat without acknowledging that her son might want it, he has Noah so they can sit in the back seat. After everyone is buckled in Olivia pulls away from the curb and makes the short trip to Lucia’s house. Killing the engine they all exit in stoic silence before moving into the home. Olivia is the last one through the door and Lucia is waiting for her, pulling her into a fierce hug.

“It’s okay mija, we are all alone now, everything will be alright.” Still Olivia only nods. 

Both women approach the living room to find Rafael sitting on the couch listening to Noah, who has finally relinquished his hold of the man, go on about anything he can think of to fill Rafael in on. 

Clearing her throat a few paces into the room Olivia interrupts Noah to ask, “I’m sorry sweetie, can I talk to Rafa for a minute?”

Noah looks between his mother and his Rafa before deciding to allow her the time to speak. Slowly he slides from the couch and moves to Lucia who ushers him into her kitchen with the promise of pancakes.

As Noah slides from the couch Rafael stands, hands dangling uselessly at his sides. He gestures to her once but even he isn’t sure what its meant to convey. Until Noah is gone neither Olivia or Rafael speak, or move.

When Noah has left her line of sight Olivia takes long strides so she is within an arm’s length of touching Rafael. For a moment she just stares at him, he can tell she is still working very hard to reign in her emotions. It isn’t quite working, not as well as Liv would like.

Rafael doesn’t let another moment longer pass to tell her how he feels, “Liv, I am so sorry. I don’t know if I can ever truly convey how sorry I am. To you, Noah, my mom. I know I hurt you and I will do everything you ask of me to make up for that, if you’ll give me another chance?”

Olivia loses her composure as he speaks, breaking down and crying.


	2. Absolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!  
> I'm really laying it on thick this chapter...

Keeping his movements as slow as possible Rafael makes his way to Olivia, giving her plenty of time to rebuff him. When she still doesn’t move, choosing instead to stand staring at Rafael while her sobbing breaks loose, Rafael pulls Liv into a hug. He closes her in his arms, Liv’s tears cascading down her cheeks, Rafa can feel the heat of them when she tucks her head into his neck. A wretched sound emanates from Liv with a loud hiccuping cry. Her body is wracked by the force of her emotions but her arms are sure as they wrap around Rafael’s waist.

Rafa can feel the desperation in Liv’s grip, her fingers first gripping his shirt but needing more of him to be anchored to she tightens her fingers and they dig into his flesh, sure to leave a mark once she lets go. Rafael thinks if that’s all he gets of her after this he may wish that they never fade. 

They revel in the closeness of the other for long enough that Olivia can at least breath easier. She sucks in several deep breaths through her nose, inhaling the scent of Rafael as she does so, to steady herself, releasing each breath in a puff of air against Rafa’s skin. The grip she has around him doesn’t loosen and Rafa takes that as a good sign. 

Trying his luck Rafa whispers, “I’ve missed you so much.” His own tears threaten to come as he is finally able to see her again, beg her forgiveness.

Liv nods, she her nose rubbing the skin of his neck, being tickled by the scruff growing there. Breathing him in once more she returns the sentiment, “I’ve missed you too, Rafa, everyday.”

Gulping Rafael wills his tears away, feeling as though he doesn’t deserve the relief it might bring him to let it out. It is becoming harder to stop it from happening, especially when Liv steps away from him, looking at his face again. Olivia takes in the expression of the man standing before her, her best friend, and sees the effort he is putting into holding back his tears, freckles starker against his paler skin, but he looks like him.

A hand goes to his cheek, Olivia swiping her thumb beneath his eye, catching an escaped tear, her gaze is tender as she addresses him, “I needed you Rafa, and you weren’t around anymore. I was so lonely without you here. I don’t think I can bare it if you leave again.”

Now that tears have trickled from his eyes Rafael stops resisting them and lets them flow as they will, “no Liv, I don’t think I would survive without you. I’m not going anywhere, I promise you, there isn’t anything that will get me to leave you ever again.”

Rafael has now twined his fingers with Liv’s but kept her hand where it lay on his face, it is warm and familiar, and he greedily takes any contact she allows, bolstering his resolve more each time he is able to touch her. 

“You’re home?” Olivia’s tears had never stopped but slowed, at this thought, though, she feels something more break inside of her. She hadn’t dared to hope this might be a possibility, wouldn’t let her mind go that path and begin thinking of her life with him back in it. Now she can do that, can fantasize how things might turn around with Rafa back by her side. 

Using his free hand Raf swipes at the tears on his cheeks, sniffling and then dropping Olivia’s hand to cradle her face in both of his. The action is taken with such great care that Liv just goes to him, gives up any resistance she held onto and steps into his space again. They are on top of each other now, close enough that each can feel the other’s breath. Rafael might have stopped breathing though.

Pushing some loose strands of hair back behind her ear Rafael studies her, Olivia is so beautiful in his eyes that he sometimes feels like congratulating himself for being able to focus on anything but her anytime he has been in Liv’s presence. Meeting her stare Rafael brings them closer still, foreheads resting against each other.

Finally he nods, and replies softly, “I’m home, I’m here.” Rafael’s eyes fall closed, gathering his courage, “Liv?” She lets out a soft noise of acknowledgement, so he goes on, “may I kiss you, please?” His nerves propelling him into over politeness. 

“Yes Rafa,” Liv answers, without pause or thought. 

His eyes fly open to meet Olivia’s, needing to be sure that he hasn’t dreamed up what she said. One corner of her mouth is lifted in the smallest of smiles, but so genuine Rafael matches it with his own. 

Catching up with himself Rafael doesn’t want to let this opportunity pass him by, using the hands still resting on Liv’s cheeks Rafa tilts her face up to his and meets her lips with his, sealing her bottom lip between both of his. Olivia responds immediately to his actions, returning the kiss with full force. Her arms are back around his waist, cradling his body much more gently this time, caressing him anywhere she can reach. 

Opening his mouth Rafael runs his tongue along Liv’s bottom lip, begging entrance. She concedes control and opens her lips to his questing tongue, moaning when he glides it along her own. They don’t part until all the breath is gone from their lungs, though they don’t go far even then, panting into the same space, sharing the same air. 

“Don’t leave,” Olivia requests, still needing the reassurance that he is really back, that she isn’t going to have to mourn his absence again.

Running his fingers through her hair Rafael shakes his head, “no, I won’t, I promise. And I know just breezing back into the city and your life isn’t an apology but I’m telling you this now, I will do anything you ask to make up for hurting you like I did.”

Biting her teeth into her bottom lip Liv nods, silent, before moving away again, “I think if we try to keep Noah away from you any longer he might spontaneously combust, I’m surprised your mother has been able to keep him away for this long.”

The laugh Olivia shares with him at the statement is the greatest string of notes Rafael has heard in these last seven months he thinks, amending it quickly to his whole life. She takes his hand and leads him to the kitchen, clearly she knows her way around the house. Together Liv and Rafa enter the kitchen, seeing Lucia and Noah putting breakfast on the table, still waiting for the pancakes to cook. At the movement into the room Noah and Lucia both look up, and Noah’s small face brightens instantly.

“Rafa, you’re still here,” the boys shoulders sag in relief, “Cia and I made breakfast!”

Rafael feels like scum that this small precious human should even be in a position to be relieved when someone he loves isn’t leaving him. But he won’t let his thoughts get in the way of things anymore. No, they were in his way for the past seven months and had done their damage, now Rafael is determined to make right what is broken, what he needs in his life, and build up from there. Rafael is going to be happy now, with this life and these people.

“I thought I smelled something yummy!” Rafa exclaims, patting his tummy, “what can I do to help you Noah?”

When Noah smiles Rafael notices some missing teeth and is immediately distracted by them, “where did all your teeth go amigo? Are you sure you have enough left in there to eat with?”

A hand covers his smile as Noah laughs, “Rafa eres un tonto! Por supuesto que sí.” (Rafa you’re silly! Of course I do.)

In seconds Rafael is standing before Noah with his hand cupping the boy’s bottom jaw, keeping his mouth open for inspection. Seeming to satisfy his search parameters Rafa allows Noah’s mouth to close, but without taking his hand away, “hmm, I don’t know I counted at least three missing teeth. That’s a lot of teeth amigo.”

Noah looks proud of himself, losing teeth is a big accomplishment after all, “those are the first three that I lost! But look at this one, it’s super wiggly!” Bringing his own hand to his mouth Noah places a tiny finger on a bottom tooth to then wiggle it vigorously, “I think it might fall out soon.”

Feeling inexplicably hollow that he didn’t get to see the excitement on Noah’s face, or talk with Liv about how fast he is growing, when Noah lost his first tooth Rafael pours all that into his fourth tooth to go, “I think you’re right Noah. How did you lose your first tooth? When I lost my first tooth I was six too, and I was so excited about the tooth fairy coming that I wanted it to hurry up and fall out! Don’t rush though, it hurts if you pull them out too soon.”

Lucia catches Rafael’s eye, realizing he didn’t remember exactly how he lost his first tooth until he had already begun telling the story. Lucia remembers it very well, Rafa was about Noah’s height, just a bit shorter and a few pounds heavier, when he had come running into the kitchen to show her and his abuelita the loose tooth. But Rafael’s father was home, and drinking, and when Rafi interrupted the conversation the man smacked him, hard. The tooth had come right out and there was a lot of blood with it, like Rafi had said it hadn’t been ready to come out yet. Lucia had scooped him up and soothed him in his room, reading to him and promising a visit from the tooth fairy that night. The next morning the excitement returned at finding a quarter under his pillow, but he never once got as excited about losing teeth again, afraid of what might happen.

Sensing the tension Olivia shares her own experience, “I don’t think I lost my first tooth until I was seven,” her eyes seem out of focus, as if trying hard to remember, “I can’t recall exactly, but it was this tooth right here,” she points to one her front teeth. “I was at school when I lost it so I put it in my pocket to bring it home later, but my pocket had a hole in it so I didn’t have it by the time I got home. The tooth fairy visited me four nights later, she left a note saying that she finally found my tooth so now I got my money.”

The subtle reminders of her own struggles in her home life growing up cause Rafael to reach out and squeeze her hand. The two share a smile and shift their focus back to Noah.

“I was eating an apple at snack and my tooth stuck right in it! My teacher put it an envelope and gave it to Lucy to keep safe for me.” Noah supplies his answer to Rafa’s question. 

Rafael can’t be anything but thankful that Noah’s childhood is filled with nothing but love and care from those around him, none of the darkness he and Liv dealt with. Kissing Noah’s cheek Rafa rights himself again.

As they eat their breakfast together it is as if everything is normal once again, like the last seven months weren’t some of the worst any of them had been forced to endure. No one spoke about it, a silent agreement had been made, let’s just start here and pretend, okay? And it felt fine.

“Will you read me my new book Rafa?” Noah breaks into an ongoing conversation the adults are having, about what he doesn’t know. 

“Of course! Where is it amigo? We can read in the living room, if you want.” Rafa’s overjoyed that Noah keeps asking things of him, keeps wanting him. The attention isn’t unfamiliar from Noah, more just amplified by his time away.

Looking at the table Noah mumbles, talking at the wood rather than the man, “at home. Can you come with us?”

This gives Rafa pause, he has barged back into their lives enough for one day, he thinks, he doesn’t think it would be appropriate to assume he can essentially invite himself over. 

His thoughts don’t wander far before Olivia cuts in, “he can come any time he likes baby,” and she is saying the words to Noah but they are meant for Rafael, allowing him further entrance back into their lives.

“How about I go with you and Mama when you two leave here? Does that sound good?” Rafa offers.

Bobbing his head up and down Noah confirms the plan for all of them. They don’t end up at the farmer’s market that day but there will be one more for the season next week so Liv and Lucia quell Noah’s fears of missing it with promises of next week. As Olivia and Noah say their goodbyes to Lucia Rafael joins them, giving her a parting hug and kiss. 

“Te llamo más tarde Mamí. Gracias por el desayuno.” he says after kissing her cheek to lean in for a hug. (I’ll call you later Mami. Thank you for breakfast.)

“Claro mijo, te amo.” When Lucia pulls away from her son she pats his cheek, glad to have him back, to be able to hold him close once again.

Rafael had been so sure his mother had lost all faith in him when everything happened he didn’t know if he would be hearing those words from her ever again, he treasures them, “tambien te amo.”

When they arrive to the Benson apartment Rafa is struck by just how little has changed, it freezes him, the likeness of the room before him to that of the one in his memory. He hadn’t expected it to be unrecognizable but different, at least. He thinks he could cry at the comfort of familiarity of the closest thing he has to a home right now.

Noah takes his hand the moment shoes and coats have been shed, and brings him to his bedroom. Pushing Rafael to sit on the bed Noah goes to his bookshelf, moving aside various knick-knacks that seem to be in his way. They had been blocking off almost the whole bottom shelf Rafa notices.

“Noah, what’s all that stuff doing done there? Why don’t you keep your figures in your window anymore?” Rafa asks while Noah runs his finger along the spine of each book, looking for the right one.

Talking over his shoulder the high-pitched tone of Noah greets Rafael, “because,” he shrugs his shoulders. “All these books are ones you gave me and no one else can read ‘em the right way.”

It is all so simple to a child, there is this one reason for things and that’s all there needs to be. To Rafael it feels so much more complicated. When had he bought Noah so many books? Did he really used to read to him that often? Had Noah really kept Olivia and Lucy from reading those to him? But the hardest to comprehend, the biggest question in Rafa’s mind is will he ever be able to make up for leaving?

Extracting the book from it’s spot on the shelf Noah pushes himself up and quickly hands it off to Rafa and then cuddling into his side, expectantly looking up for the story to begin. Rafael is taking his time controlling his breathing before he can begin, Noah waits patiently, to a point.

“Rafa? Are you gonna read to me?” Noah is resting along the length of Rafael’s torso and the older man can feel the vibration of each word throughout him. 

“Yes amor, of course,” before he opens the book, however, Rafa looks to Noah. “I’m sorry you had to wait so long for me to read to you again. But I’m back now, and I’ll be here whenever you need me. I won’t leave like that again, okay?”

With a toothless smile Noah accepts this as truth, “okay!”

Rafael takes one more moment to look at the book, it was the last one he purchased for Noah, before life went to hell for a while, and Noah still called it new, his new book. The guilt of his actions is going to linger for a long time and Rafael has to battle that himself, or at least not let Noah get negatively impacted by it.

Olivia, Noah, and Rafael spend the day together, reacquainting themselves with old habits. Trips to the park, vegging out on the couch, talking to each. It all seems so easy with them around. 

Eventually Noah has to go to sleep, insisting on another story from Rafa. It doesn’t take much more than a hopelessly adorable ‘please’ and a smile from Noah to get him to agree.

He makes it through just about one and a half books before sleep finally quiets Noah, who is quite content to let it. Rafa slips from his bedside and kisses his forehead, cheek, and chin.

Hovering close he whispers, “dulces sueños Noah.” (Sweet dreams Noah.)

Suddenly it is just Olivia and Rafael left alone together again. They’re both nervous, desperate for things to be the same as it once was and so entirely different. Trading those kisses this morning were definitely not part of the old routine. Those were new and unexplored, there was so much more to them.

Stepping into the living room Rafael hears the faucet running, figuring Olivia was using the bathroom he sits himself on the couch. Rubbing the sweat from his palms onto his knees Rafa wonders what will be next.

Liv glides her way to the couch and sits in the empty spot to Rafa’s right, their sides grazing as she does so. Not wanting the contact, the connection, to end Olivia takes Rafa’s hand in her own, fingers woven between his.

Dropping her head to Rafael’s shoulder Liv sighs, “god it’s so nice to have you here.” She turns her head so she is able to press it to his shirt and breaths him in, “I didn’t realize how comforting your scent had become for me, nothing smells quite the same. Not your cologne, or the sweatshirt you left here, or you old office, your not there with it all and you make all the difference.”

Rafael mimics Olivia, letting his head rest atop her’s, “I don’t know what else to say but to tell you I’m so sorry. I tried to convince myself, at first, that it was better for everyone if I was gone. And then two weeks went by and I hadn’t gone that long without speaking to you since we met and I think I started to really think about what I’d done. But I didn’t deserve the peace and comfort I knew you’d bring me, and I was sure you didn’t need me around.

“Those two weeks bled into months and it hurt everyday that I was away from you. Still I told myself you were better off, that I was doing you this favor by going away. It got harder and harder to justify and reason with myself as the months went on and eventually all I had left was the knowledge that I just left you. I was there one day and gone the next just like anyone else that hurt you and I hated myself.

“It took another month to talk myself into coming back here, to you. I’ve been scared Liv. I need you but I wasn’t sure you would feel the same, not anymore. 

“But no matter how you felt about me I knew I owed you the decision I took away from you. So I’m back and I’m not leaving but I had to let you have that. I don’t want to be another person that hurt you and didn’t look back. Like you’re not the greatest thing this life has offered me. You mean everything to me Olivia.” Tears are sliding their way into Olivia’s hair or off the end of his nose and onto his hand.

Shaking her head as best she can Liv counters him, “no Rafa, you were never like them. You told me you were leaving, moving on, but then I didn’t hear from you and I didn’t know what I had done wrong. After a while I stopped hoping you would come back, but it never stopped me wanting you back.”

Picking his head up Rafael kisses the top of Liv’s head, a hand caressing her back, it comforts them both. He takes a moment to gather himself, to let his tears stop and get the ability to speak back.

Feeling ready Rafa opens his mouth again, “can I kiss you again?” 

Olivia chuckles while raising her head, “you know Rafa, you don’t have to ask every time you want to kiss me, I have a feeling that might get old quickly.” Her mouth is pinched trying to hold back the smile that is attempting to stretch her mouth wide open.

Ruefully shaking his head Rafael points a warning finger toward her, before he quickly drops it, “yeah, you’re totally right.”

Any response Liv may have is sealed off by Rafa’s mouth descending on her’s. Things rapidly progress into a full make out session, Olivia finding herself astride Rafael’s lap. It’s as though they are teenagers again, the way they go at it.

“God, ‘Livia, am I dreaming?” the question falls from Rafael’s lips in between panting for breath, all while his mouth skims along her cheek and down her neck, not wanting to stray too far from her. 

Without hesitation Liv pinches his side, “I don’t think so. And I know I’m not because we never have our clothes on for this long.” When she giggles now it is light-hearted and carefree. 

Rafael’s erection is obvious beneath her but they have largely ignored their sexual desires, choosing instead to focus on just this and hold onto each other. Both of Liv’s hands are burning hot against the skin of Rafa’s ribcage. And a hand of Rafael’s has made its way beneath the waist of Liv’s pants and is resting high on the curve of her ass, but that is about as far as they have gone.

Pulling his head back Rafael surveys her face, she looks so much happier than she did that day in February when he walked away, he kicks himself for having done it but he won’t let it keep him from her any longer. Moving the hand he still has outside of Liv’s clothes Rafael runs the backs of his fingers over her cheekbones, appreciating her beauty unabashedly. Liv seems to take the time to do the same with him, a look of utter adoration is clear in her eyes and it steals Rafael’s breath that she can still find anything about him to adore. 

It’s getting late though and Rafael soon yawns while looking at her, Liv doesn’t take it personally, “gee thanks, clearly I can hold your interest.” Her tone and smile belie her words.

This time Olivia takes Rafael’s face in her hands, running her nails through the rough hair adorning his cheeks, “I’m tired too, will you stay with me tonight? Just to sleep?”

Twisting his head to and fro Rafa lays a kiss into the palm of each hand, “I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

“And I’ll do my best not to get used to hearing that because I know you too well,” Liv points out.

She stands and pulls him into her bedroom. Olivia quickly notices the sweatshirt she left laying on the bed from when she pulled it off this morning and promptly blushes, knowing Rafa saw it too.

“Do you want me to wear, get it all smelly again?” He isn’t exactly making fun of her, and his words seem so fond that Liv can’t help the laugh that emanates from her.

Looking through her eyelashes at him, as if she were shy, Olivia nods, adding, “yes please Rafa.”

They both strip, Rafael down to his boxers before pulling on his sweatshirt, he knows he doesn’t really own it any longer, he will be allowed to borrow it just often enough to keep the scent of him in every fiber. Liv gets down to her bra and panties, which are plain everyday things that Rafael finds sexier than anything, before tossing an oversized shirt over her head and then pulling her bra through one of the sleeves and depositing it into her hamper.

Finding a position, spooned together, arms looped along each other’s, Liv breaks into the silence, and the darkness of the room, “where did you go?” 

There is no accusation or anger in her words, Olivia is just trying to figure out what was happening with him these last months. Rafael tightens his arms quickly in response, while he decides what to say.

He doesn’t make Liv wait, “I went to Cambridge for a while, maybe for some extra punishment with the weather, and helped some friends from Harvard, lent them my time for a place to stay and something to eat. They offered me a teaching position, it terrified me. I turned it down and left the next day. I didn’t really stop moving after that, going anywhere I could find a spot for myself. 

“Mostly I did some consulting work with nonprofits, trying to help people. I volunteered at a lot of hospitals, that part started in Boston. I went to Children’s Hospital everyday I was there, gave whatever time I had to the terminal ward. There wasn’t anything anyone could really do for them but make sure they were comfortable and treat them like kids.

“So I went and played with them, drew with them, read to them, sang them Disney songs. I thought about Drew all the time, but I thought about Noah too. I knew if -” Rafa chokes on his words, swallowing the threat of tears, “if Noah were ever to be in their position that’s what I would want someone to do for him. Just let them act like kids, as much as they could.”

Taking a shaky breath he pushes on, “when I got to places with nicer weather I would take them outside if they were allowed. They were all amazing Olivia, but I never stayed long, I couldn’t stand the thought of what was happening to them, how unfair it all is.

“At some points during my roaming I met up with friends, old co-workers, anyone who found me, I just let it all happen. The good and the bad, I took what they gave me. Eventually, out in California, I got offered a book deal. I told them I wasn’t sticking around. They said I didn’t have to, so I said yes. I think that was a month ago. So, I’m writing a book. It’ll be on law, of course, but the idea of justice too. I want to write about the intent of laws and the idea of justice and the shortcomings in our legal system that affect so many people everyday. There isn’t much written but an introduction.” Rafael takes a moment to pause, and think about his next words, “and the dedication. After I wrote that I broke down, like crying in the bathtub, broke down. 

“But now I’m here, I’m back.” God, Rafael thinks he has cried more in this one day than every other time in his life previous to it.

Olivia is still for several long seconds, then she turns to take Rafael in, as well as she can in what little light there is streaming through the cracks between curtains. He is beautiful. His tears are mirrored on Liv’s face.

“You’re a good man Rafa. Truly. You’ll believe that again someday, I’ll make sure of it.” Liv leans into him and kisses him, light as she can, but she is promising him so much in it that it blankets his soul, it anchors it.

They whisper to each other, nonsense mostly, until they drift off to sleep, wrapped up in the other’s body. Olivia wakes first the following morning, they had moved around while asleep but she was essentially sprawled across his chest, they hadn’t broken contact. She doesn’t remember any other time in her life that she has felt this relieved, this ecstatic to see another human upon waking.

It is very soon after the relief fills her that it is drained and replaced by anger and sadness, knowing why she is so relieved. Rafael was still here, just like he promised he would be, but he only had to promise because he left for so long.

The emotions stir a nervous energy inside her and Olivia extricates herself from under the covers, pulls on some leggings and goes to the living room. It is very early morning and the sky is a light grey, the perfect kind to look into and brood. Liv sits and ruminates with herself, trying to sort out her feelings. It is all so overwhelming, the relief, joy, and love she feels about it are all still there inside of her and they are just as big as they always were when it came to Rafael. But there is no denying the anger, pain, and loneliness that reside within her too, it’s too much to take and the tears fall.

Pulling her knees to her chest Olivia rests her temple on a kneecap while she gazes at the clouds taking their time moving over the city, she must fall asleep like that because the next thing she is aware of is Noah bumping into her while settling himself on the couch beside her.

Liv stretches and yawns before ruffling Noah’s hair and kissing him, “morning Noah, what time is it?” 

“It’s 7:00, I’m almost ready for school, Rafa is making my waffles now, I didn’t mean to wake him up but I was looking for you.” Noah explains to his mom while switching on the television to watch a show as he finishes his morning routine. 

“I’m sure Rafa’s fine with that sweet boy, I’m going to go make you a lunch okay?” Olivia hefts herself from the couch, stretching once on her feet, listening to the pop of her joints. She needs to talk to Rafael.

They get Noah ready for school easily, like it is an everyday thing for the three of them to be doing so. Olivia is quiet the whole time.

When Lucy, who is so happy to see Rafael back, is out the door with Noah in tow Olivia uses this as her chance. He knows something is coming too, he can read her too well, even now.

“What’s wrong Liv? Where were you when I woke up this morning?” Rafael beats her to the punch, so to speak.

Sighing Olivia runs a hand through her hair, “I woke up this morning and saw you sleeping next to me and I was so happy,” it seems like she may not go on.

Rafael prompts her, “but?”

“But then the last seven months came flooding back and I felt hurt and lost and alone all over again. I got really angry at you,” She won’t even look at him. “I tried to sort everything out in my head but there is so much there Rafa,” Liv is using his nickname and Rafa will take any sliver of hope he has.

When Liv finally looks at him again Rafael can tell how much turmoil is going on inside of her head and her heart. 

“What can I do?” Rafael is afraid he knows the answer.

Olivia suspects he does too, “I need more time Rafa. I have to figure this all out for myself. That doesn’t mean I want you going away again,” it’s not a joke no how much she might have intended for it to be, they both wince. “And Noah is going to want to see you constantly, I heard you promise to take him to and from school if that was okay, and it is. He loves you Rafael and I know you love him. Just keep being here for him.”

He won’t cry, not now, she deserves what she is asking for and he won’t make her feel bad for making the request, “okay,” a breath, “okay, yeah. Time, I can give you time. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here in the mornings to get Noah, but you won’t even have to see much of me, I’ll be here and gone, promise. You - um you just tell me when you’re ready for…” Rafael trails off not really knowing what to say to finish that thought with. “When you’re ready.”

Olivia makes a move to step closer but Rafael maintains their distance, he already has his clothing back on, so he turns to find his coat. He goes to put it on when Olivia’s voice stops him.

“Rafa, wait.” He looks dejected when he meets Liv’s gaze, she feels awful, selfish with her next words, “the sweatshirt?” They come out as a question, a request of sorts, but she can’t let him leave with that on, still afraid she might not get him back. She is desperate to have some piece of him still with her, even though she is the one pushing him away.

There is hope in the request as Rafael sees it, peeling it off he folds it and leaves it on a couch cushion, “goodb- I’ll talk to you later Liv.” And he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I said I'm sorry, and I am, but I'm a little bit not. Like as a writer it makes me proud of myself to be able to evoke strong emotions in people. I managed to do that with the first chapter, I hope this chapter does the same! If it makes anyone feel better I've made myself sad writing both chapters. I didn't cry because I'm a robot, but I got sad.  
> There will be good times at ridgemont high coming up. For serious, I will deliver the fluff. Cross my heart.  
> xx


	3. Redemption

It takes Olivia about ten minutes to move to the couch and collect the sweatshirt Rafael left for her, she presses her face into it at once. She doesn’t want to be angry at him, she truly doesn’t, but she can’t help it. Dr. Lindstrom is always reminding her that anger is a secondary emotion, Liv isn’t sure what exactly this is coming from however, there are too many emotions to choose from.

Falling onto the cushions beside her Liv cries again, she had texted Fin this morning, when she woke up the first time, so he knew she would be taking a personal day. Thinking about having nothing but time to herself today is totally unappealing.

She picks up her phone and her thumb hovers over Lucia’s name while she debates if it’s still okay to call her. Olivia isn’t sure if it is appropriate considering she basically just kicked the woman’s son out of her home. But there isn’t anyone who knows everything about this, not like Lucia does, so Liv decides to call and let Lucia decide what she wants to do.

“Hola corazoncita, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Lucia answers as if everything is normal, Olivia doesn’t even know if she can say what that is anymore. 

Rafael must not have gotten home yet, Liv realizes. The thought rips a sob from her, it is the only answer she can get out before Lucia is talking again.

“Shh, shh mija, it’s okay. I’m here. What is it? Has Rafi done something stupid, I swear that boy. He can act as confident as he likes but he never knew what to do with his heart and all that love.” her words come in a rapid pace, leaving Lucia’s mouth as if storming out.

Not moving or speaking for the duration of Lucia’s small rant Olivia gives herself a jolt to get her mind and body working in tandem again, “no,” it is raspy and barely audible, Liv tries to get something more to leave her throat. “No,” it’s a dreadful sound, broken and clogged by crying. 

Taking a big breath Liv clears her throat and tries again, “no, no, it wasn’t Rafa. He was, he’s perfect,” Lucia snorts at the other end of the line. It makes Liv smile through her crying, “it’s me. I am so confused, I’m angry and scared just as much as I’m relieved and elated about him coming back.

“I sent him away, back to you I guess. Sorry, I shouldn’t have called, I just didn’t know what to do.” the smile is gone off Liv’s face and her words are being muffled due to her dropping her forehead to the arm of the couch, not having the energy to keep herself upright any longer.

“Don’t be silly corazoncita, I’m glad you called. Can I come over or would you like to be alone?” Lucia’s tone is so soft and comforting to Liv’s ears that it nearly hurts that she isn’t with her already.

It feels pathetic to say but Liv asks anyway, “will you come over?”

“Claro, I’ll be there as quick as I can,” the line goes dead right away.

It isn’t long before Lucia arrives at Olivia’s door, she gives a soft knock before letting herself in. She finds Olivia curled in the fetal position, only in a semi upright position with the help of the arm of the couch, gazing off in the distance. Discarding her coat Lucia heads straight for the woman on the couch.

“Olivia look at me mija, talk to me,” Lucia makes her request immediately upon sitting herself down at Olivia’s hip.

The older woman pulls the younger into her chest, cradling her to her breast, just over her heart. It is so like an action a mother would make with their child that Olivia gets lost in the moment. So rarely had she ever experienced a feeling of being mothered and she wants it all.

Sniffling up the remaining tears Liv falls entirely into Lucia, “I don’t know what to do Mom.” Olivia tenses instantly at her slip. 

Her mind has long since cast Lucia in the role of mother but Liv didn’t mean for it to come out into the real world. And certainly never to Lucia herself. But everything is so raw and open in her head at the moment that Olivia couldn’t hold it in. 

Knowing Olivia’s next move will be to pull away Lucia instead drags her closer, bringing Liv’s legs to rest over her own and running soothing fingers through her hair.

“Mirame mija,” Spanish is a comfort for Lucia, she is so overjoyed to be able to speak it with Olivia. “Let me help you figure it out, talk to me.”

Turning her face up to Lucia Oliva looks young, she has the tentative expression about her features like one might find on a teenager who finds out how little they actually know about the world around them, contrary to what they had believed.

Then a smile breaks out, “mija,” Lucia nods and drops a kiss to Olivia’s cheek. Sighing Liv gets into her turmoil, “I feel like I should be beyond happy to have Rafa back, and I am, but it hurt so much when he was gone.

“I’ve been heartbroken without him for the last seven months and I don’t think my mind and my heart have caught up with each other about it. So I asked him for some time, and he just looked so broken over it. He tried to hide it and and he didn’t argue but I could see how much it affected him. 

“I’m scared that if I don’t give myself time to process all of this it will fester and explode down the road. That’s not what I want, I want us to be happy. Am I doing the right thing?”

Cupping Olivia’s cheek with one hand Lucia can’t help but think of how similar Liv and Rafi can be, always using only part of themselves to work through things. Rafi is all logic and reason, there is right and wrong in the world and everything can be placed into neat boxes. Liv is all heart; feelings and reactions guide her and things tend to get blurred together. Neither of them have really been able to get through something using their hearts and their minds. Lucia has had enough of it.

“Olivia,” the way Lucia says it makes Liv appreciate her name, it’s lyrical and loving. “You are doing exactly the right thing. Like you said your heart and your head are in different places right now. Take a step away, get to a place where they both meet up and go from there.”

Lucia is stern in her reassurance, leaving no room for doubt, Olivia wouldn’t dare to do so anyway. One does not easily go against Lucia Barba. Not even Olivia Benson. And especially not Rafael Barba.

“Now why don’t we give ourselves something to do, hmm?” Lucia will let Olivia choose what it will be.

Slipping off the couch, standing back on her own two feet Liv gives her input, “yes, I think I need to keep busy today.”

Well Lucia had intended to let Olivia decide what to do but when she hears the young woman’s stomach groan in protest for food Lucia raises an eyebrow, “when was the last time you were able to get some groceries?” She doesn’t wait for a proper answer, the pink tint to Liv’s skin is enough of one, “we’ll go to the store and stock up on supplies, and then, we cook.”

As if she really has a say in how the day will go Olivia seemingly gives her permission for the plan’s commencement, “and then we cook.”

They plan their day out so that any cooking they are doing will be at a sensible stopping point when Rafael arrives from collecting Noah. This way Lucia will be able to excuse herself easily and take Rafa with her. No need for awkwardness where it can be avoided.

It goes surprisingly well, their plan. Liv and Lucia have done plenty of meal prep and Olivia is left with detailed instructions on what to do next after Lucia makes her way home with her son. 

Noah keeps the atmosphere light, kids are good for that kind of thing. Lucia kisses the Benson’s goodbye while Rafael promises to see them in the morning to take Noah to school.

Sure enough the next morning Rafael was at the Benson apartment knocking and preparing to collect Noah.

A squeaky voice calls through the door, “who is it?”

There is nothing this little boy can’t make better Rafael thinks, including his mood, “it’s Rafa!”

The door opens momentarily and Rafa is greeted by Noah, an Eggo waffle hanging out of his mouth. Noah waves and motions Rafael into the apartment. He chews and swallows the bite he had taken and welcomes Rafa properly with a ‘hello.’

“Hola amigo,” Rafa returns good naturedly.

Noah continues to make his way back into the kitchen, “Mama’s in the shower but she left you this,” he points to something on the table.

Stepping up to the table Rafael sees his favorite chocolate bar and a small piece of paper with Liv’s writing scrawling across it. Noticing how neat it is, which only ever happens if she is really taking her time and cares about what she is writing. Rafa feels the rest of his mood lift.

“Rafa,   
I didn’t even realize I bought this for you one day until I got to my office, it’s been in the fridge since. Waiting for you. Hopefully it has gotten better with age. If it hasn’t don’t tell me, it’s the thought that’s supposed to count!  
Sorry to miss you this morning, Noah was a wild man just knowing you were coming so I’m behind.  
xo  
Liv”

When Liv told him she needed space Rafa heard her and was doing his best to respect it, which has already been difficult in the less than 24 hours since she asked, but seeing the hope in writing has begun to lift his spirits. The outcome of all this might have the happy ending Rafael has been dreaming about and denying himself for a very long time.

Noah and Rafael finish readying the boy for school in record time. They are out the door with plenty of time to spare.

“Hey Rafa,” tugging on the man’s hand Noah grabs Rafael’s attention.

Smiling down in Noah’s direction Rafa follows his lead, “hey Noah,” ending with a gentle tug on the small hand he has enveloped in his grasp.

Giggling Noah pulls back on Rafa’s hand, stretching the battle that has started, “will you read me a bedtime story tonight?”

Wagging their hands back and forth Rafa does his best to maintain the easy expression on his face and hide the disappointment he feels, “not tonight amigo, but I can read to you after school? How about that?”

Noah doesn’t do as well hiding his disappointment, if he even tried at all, but accepts the offer nevertheless, “I guess so.”

Wednesday, the following afternoon, Rafael is excited to be picking up Noah again, he has a plan. He hopes it’s cute like he is imagining in his head and not weird. It is cute, he tells himself, definitely not at all weird. Besides, Rafa reminds himself, she started it all.

When the flow of children comes streaming out from the school doors Rafa spots Noah right away, the boy has a boundless supply of energy that Rafael yearns for, and is sprinting directly at him.

“Rafa! Rafa! Rafa! Look, my tooth is almost out,” Noah launches into Rafael’s arms and once lifted from the ground stretches his lips to show off his teeth.

And just as Noah said the tooth looks to be hanging by a thread, Noah only needs to breath heavily to get it to wiggle around.

“That looks like it is ready to plop right out of your head amigo,” Rafa laughs, topping things off with an eskimo kiss before setting Noah back down.

“I hope it waits until we get home, I wouldn’t want to misplace it.” Noah keeps a running stream of conversation between them, well mostly just himself, all the way back to the apartment. 

Rafael sets his bag down just inside the door and helps Noah divest his backpack, jacket, and shoes before releasing him to the open space of the apartment. Rafa retrieves what he needs from the bag he brought and makes his way to the kitchen counter to set it down. 

Noah pulls his tooth from his mouth the moment he enters the living room and shouts, louder than he needs to, “my tooth came out! I’m going to put it in my room!”

Laughing Rafa continues what he is doing. 

With more care than is necessary Rafa places a sack of coffee grounds onto the counter, he has attached his own note. This feeling of butterflies and almost clandestine note passing to talk to the girl he has a crush on feels like what he missed out on in middle and high school while he had his nose buried in books. Or was too preoccupied with Yelina. But he doesn’t care about any of that anymore. Not when Olivia Benson is gifting him his favorite chocolate, which was still divine, and leaving notes for him signed with an ‘xo.’

Upon arriving home that night, later than she wants Olivia is immediately informed of her waiting present by an eager Noah. Her son lets her know he didn’t read the note but he is dying to know what it says. Lucy shakes her head laughing at the dramatics Noah is currently displaying, she has a pretty good idea of what the note might include, or the sentiment behind it anyway.

Liv finds the coffee easily, ignoring the beans in favor of pulling the note off. Rafa’s note is considerably longer than hers had been but Olivia knows him and Rafa can never really help himself when he has something to say.

Liv,  
One stop on my cross-country tour was in New Mexico. While I was there I happened to find, or actively sought out, the how isn’t important, this cafe that served some of the best coffee I’ve ever tasted. And I’ve had Cuban coffee.  
After my first cup I asked if they sold any for home brewing, thinking I’d get you some, and was given a firm and unflappable ‘no.’ Naturally this wouldn’t do. It took me three days to work out a deal but eventually I got the owner of the shop to agree to give me the coffee, on one condition. She made me work for her, as a barista! I stayed a month and worked for her the whole time, it was harder than I expected. There was a baseball cap as part of the uniform but I drew line at having to wear that, imagine what it would do to my hair.   
And don’t worry I made them take a picture of it so that you would believe me.  
Anyway, the owner, Lenore, and I got to be friends by the end of it all. I never told her I planned to give the coffee to anyone but I must be getting to be predictable in my old age because when she gave it to me she said she hoped ‘my lady friend’ would like as much as me.   
The best perk of the job, bottomless drinks.   
Save me a cup we can enjoy together.  
Yours,  
Rafa x 

There is an actual photo included in the envelope and Olivia has no chance to quiet her laughter when she sees it. It shows Rafael standing behind a counter, surrounded by coffee, a blue apron hanging from his neck, and the most futile attempt at holding in a grin Olivia has ever seen. At the outburst Lucy and Noah are immediately curious. Liv thinks that he didn’t mention anything about not showing the picture to anyone else so she feels safe letting these two take a look.

Walking over she hands the picture to Lucy who gasps in delight, “oh my God! Is this really Rafa?” It hadn’t taken Rafael much prodding to get Lucy to stop calling him Mr. Barba, “I need a picture of this, it is too surreal. When I wake up thinking I dreamt this I’m going to need some proof I didn’t”

Olivia needs no justification from Lucy for her actions, she just lets it happen and moves back to the coffee and the note. Peeling the bag open Olivia wants a better smell of her gift. Upon opening it, however, she is met with another piece of paper. This one is small and has unfamiliar handwriting, but her name is written across it so Liv plucks it from atop the coffee beans.

“Olivia,  
If what Rafael said about you is true then I’m okay breaking the rules this one time. He adores you and doesn’t realize how much he can talk about you, or for how long. I feel like I know you. Treat each other well and be happy.  
Lenore”

 

Liv hadn’t doubted the fact that what Rafael felt for her was big and important to him, but having a total stranger say it is definitely reaffirming. She presses it to her chest, with a promise, to Lenore or the universe, or maybe both Liv doesn’t care, to treat him well and do her best to make them all happy.

Unfortunately life has its way of disrupting one’s plans and Olivia’s life is particularly good at this. She gets dispatched to a new crime scene very early the next morning, shooting a quick text Liv asks Rafael if there is a chance he could come over sooner than planned. His reply is swift, telling Liv he will be right over.

They barely have a moment to say anything to each other with Olivia in a rush to get out the door and Noah’s morning crankiness requiring attention. They manage only a passing hug en route to their separate destinations.

But Rafael can feel his disappointment melt away when he finds a note from Olivia on the kitchen counter. This one is accompanied by a picture of her, she looks to be in her 20s and it’s clear that she is working as a waitress. The note is short and apologetic.

Rafa,  
I’m having your picture framed as soon as I find the time to! The coffee smells amazing, we will find time to share it soon, I’m sure.   
This picture is from some job I worked in college, I don’t know why anyone felt the need to take it or why I’ve kept it but I guess it worked out well enough.   
xo  
Liv  
P.s. sorry about this morning! Check your pocket…

With abundant curiosity and some well learned caution Rafael slides a hand first into his right coat pocket. He finds nothing there so moves a hand into his left pocket. Here he finds a crumpled note and a small chocolate. Olivia must have slipped in there during the brief hug they shared on her way out the door.

Made you look!!  
Here’s a kiss for you.

Beyond the point of caring how obvious his feelings about this woman are Rafael feels a blush burn his cheeks and laughs at himself but does nothing to hide it.

The next days pass in an annoying repetition of this, the notes they exchange the high points for Liv and Rafa both. Noah and Lucy poke fun at the pair of them as they act like school kids with crushes.

One day, when Rafael is leaving, Lucy says to Noah, “this is like super old fashioned texting Noh.”

Each of them topples into the other giggling, with Noah barely able to eek out, “well they are old!”

Rafael pretends to be very grumpy with them both, saying “well you can’t text chocolate to someone can you?” Like a curmudgeon. 

His conversational partners seem to collapse together further, Rafa does have a point but it is still way too corny not to make fun of them. Rafael is mumbling under his breath while they collect themselves, Lucy wiping the tears out of her eyes. Noah sits up from his spot against Lucy and gallops over to where Rafael is still seated on the ottoman. The boy wraps his arms at Rafa’s waist and rests his chin on the man’s belly, looking up at him very innocently. 

Rafael is a goner and he knows it, and that’s before Noah even speaks, “te amo Rafa, aun si eres viejo.” (I love you Rafa, even if you are old.)

Pulling Noah onto his lap fully Rafael nudges their foreheads together and quietly repeats back to him, “tambien te amo Noah, incluso cuando tonto.” (I love you too Noah, even when you’re silly.)

Abruptly Noah sits back, as though surprised, and points to himself then shakes his head, “tú eres el tonto!” He then proceeds to place a very loud exaggerated kiss on the side of Rafael’s nose before patting his cheeks and peeling away quickly. (you’re the silly one!)

Rafael hefts himself to a standing position to begin making his way to the door, “yeah I’m the silly one.” 

By the time Saturday rolls around Olivia has been working so long she hasn’t been home in over a day and a half. She is exhausted just sitting in her office trying to keep her eyes open, Liv knows she is in no state to be driving but really doesn’t want to take a cab. Giving into herself she calls Rafa.

“Hello?” Rafael answers, and it sounds how anyone would begin normal call, not a call with their best friend, Liv hopes she is too tired and worrying too much about things.

Well she knows she is too tired, “Hey Raf, can I ask you a favor?” The question is punctuated with a long yawn.

Rafa snorts into the line at her, “you know you can, what’s up Liv?”

She is definitely too tired, getting emotional about Rafael’s tone of voice and willingness to help her even when he doesn’t know what she is asking. Even when she has been asking for space. Olivia adjusts her phone so he won’t hear her sniffling before asking him if he could drive her home.

In the middle of her attempt at justifying her reasons for asking Rafael cuts her off, “Liv,” he tries to get her to stop talking, it isn’t really working. “Liv, I will be there as soon as is legally possible.”

The answer takes Olivia a moment to process while still talking, “... and I would have asked someone on the squad to take me but I already sent them all home and I don’t want to make a uni -” There is a pause in her speaking when Liv’s brain catches up to the conversation, sighing with contentment she says, “thank you Rafa, really.”

Just before Rafael hangs up he leaves Liv with a simple, “any time.”

It doesn’t take long from Rafael to make it to the precinct, and, even though he doesn’t really want to Rafael enters the building to usher Liv outside and into his car. She is very compliant in her sleepy state.

The sun is only just now dawning so the precinct isn’t the usual maze of people to navigate through. Rafa guides Olivia out holding her hand to make sure she is still with him with each step of the way. She looks so worn out that Rafael honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she fell asleep while walking. 

Outside, in the first rays of light, Rafael allows himself a moment to stare at Liv. Sleep is very endearing on her, he thinks. He also thinks about how much he would love to tell her that and maybe kiss her again but if Rafael just gets to look at Olivia he’ll be fine with that. He hopes it doesn’t stay this way though. 

The drive to her apartment is easy, effortless. When the walk through the door the apartment is still asleep. Rafael wakes Lucy for a moment to let her know she can go whenever she fully wakes up, but it is certainly no rush.

Lucy doesn’t even bother to fully open her eyes, “k thanks Raf.”

Rafael moves into Liv’s bedroom to make certain she has safely deposited herself into bed. When he lets himself into her room Rafael finds he has a rather distraught looking Olivia on his hands.

Confused Rafa goes to her side, “Liv? Are you okay? Why aren’t you already sleeping?” 

The frown of her lips is so deep that it looks nearly comical. Rafael assumes the level of sleep deprivation is exacerbating her emotions and reels in his urge to giggle at her.

Liv lifts ‘his’ sweatshirt as if that is all the answer she needs. 

Luckily, for Rafael, she does choose to verbalize the reason for her mood, “it doesn’t smell anymore. Not as much as you do,” Rafael knows what she means and doesn’t take her phrasing to heart. “You smell like you the most, I can’t sleep without this,” Liv raises the garment again.

Rafael isn’t sure what to do and so ends up staring at the offending article of clothing that’s getting in the way of things. 

“Stay here with me?” Her sleepy voice is really doing a number on his heart.

Now it’s Rafael’s turn to frown, he doesn’t know if that’s a good idea, “I don’t know Liv, I'm not sure that’s such a good idea. Why don’t we make a trade? Give the sweatshirt and I’ll give you my sweater.”

Rafael would very much enjoy laying down to sleep, cuddled with Olivia but he is concerned that when she wakes up she will be uncomfortable about it all. Shifting awkwardly on his feet Rafa avoids looking at Liv until he hears her sniffle.

Looking at her now Rafa sees that Liv has begun to cry. In a panic Rafa gathers Liv in his arms, trying to calm her, shushing her while he rocks them gently side to side. Their embrace is such that Olivia’s arms are pinned to her sides as she was wrapped up in Rafael’s. Eventually she bends her elbows and grabs ahold of Rafa as well as she can.

Mumbling through her tears Olivia says, “I’m sorry Rafa. I’m sorry I wanted time, please don’t go, don’t hate me.”

It’s how lost and broken she sounds that crushes Rafa’s heart the most, that and the fact Liv thinks he is even capable of hating her. 

Pulling back mere centimeters, he can’t go much further with the tight hold Olivia has him in, Rafa lifts one hand to clear the hair from her face, “no Liv, I don’t hate you, I could never.”

Sighing he rests his forehead against Olivia’s temple, “I don’t want you to wake up later and not want me here. I can give you all the time you need but I can’t keep walking away like that, it is too hard.”

With one arm now free Olivia moves it around Rafael to his front, taking a handful of fabric and clutching him close, “I don’t want you to be anywhere but here Rafa. Stay. Forever if you want, that’s what I want. I want you forever.”

Liv has reigned in her emotions, even in her tired state which caused them in the first place, and her tears have stopped flowing. As she is speaking Liv is able to feel Rafa smile where his beard scratching along her cheek. Rafa’s breath is steady at her cheek before he grazes it with his lips. 

“Okay,” Rafael would have everyone believe he has never felt giddy in his life, but he definitely feels giddy in this moment. “Well let’s get some sleep and we can talk about anything you want we wake up, yeah?”

From his spot against Olivia Rafael feels her hum of assent more than he hears it. They separate and ready themselves to get under the covers. Rafael doesn’t do much else but stare at Liv while she strips off all her clothes, down to her underwear, and throws the sweatshirt over her head.

Popping her head through the hole at the top Olivia sees Rafa watching her and smiles, “aren’t you going to change?”

Somewhat dumbly Rafa shakes his head, “no,” he indicates is clothing. Rafael Barba, immaculately dressed at all times, had come to pick Liv up in his jammies, “I’m good.”

It isn’t as though they are embarrassing looking, it is more just very well worn sweats and a t-shirt that both have some holes and stains, and a cardigan for added warmth. Liv thinks that might be the nicest thing that someone has done for her in a long while. Rafa left his own bed, not bothering to change, to come get her, just because she asked.

“Well if I don’t fall asleep soon I’m going to get a second, no third, wind and I think the results could be hazardous.” Clapping her hands together Liv motions Rafa into the bed, “hop to it, I’m tired and needy, I shouldn’t be kept waiting.”

Liv’s mood has certainly improved, Rafa laughs, not only at the rapid change of pace but at Liv’s words. This is what he has been waiting for. 

Soon they have arranged themselves in bed, completely wrapped up in each other. Olivia has the length of her front pressed snug against Rafa’s side. She is laying on her left side, the entirety of her left leg is flush with Rafa’s right from hip to toes, her right leg she has thrown over his pelvis. Her right arm has been flung over his chest where she is also resting a fair amount of her torso. For his part Rafa has both arms encircling Liv and his left calf is hooked over Olivia’s right, keeping her in place against him.

Her face is resting against his neck and Liv has begun to breath deeper through her nose, probably on the precipice of sleep when she mutters against Rafael’s skin, “will you go on a date with me?”

Giddy, Rafael Barba is giddy and is at the point of admitting it, to others too, if they were to ask him. A rumbling laugh hums up his throat, Liv can feel it all. 

“Okay.”

“Tonight?” Liv has managed to get even closer to him, which Rafa wouldn’t have thought possible.

“Sure, if you want,” Rafa is trying not to rile himself up over this, he really should get some more sleep too.

“Mmm, good. I love you Rafa.” Liv has her eyes open now, her lashes tickling Rafael’s neck. 

She means it, she really does love him, and in this moment it is all too big to hold in any longer. He is here with her and she loves him.

There is a flutter in his heart and his stomach and Rafael has reached a new level of happiness, one he had not been previously aware of, “I love you too Liv.”

With another swipe of her eyelashes Rafael feels Olivia close her eyes again as she smiles before kissing his neck. This is the best way to fall asleep, they would both agree were they not so close to sleep already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This felt like a good stopping point. I'm going to add another chapter. Thanks for coming on this ride!!  
> xx


	4. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This me took longer than I anticipated but I just didn't like how it was coming out at first. Now though, I'm pleased with things. This is the end for this story.

Later that morning, at about 8:00, Noah wakes and sees Lucy is gone so he looks for Rafa. He assumes his mother is still working, like she had been when he went to bed the night before. Upon leaving his room Noah finds no trace of an adult in any of the common areas of the apartment, and the bathroom is open and empty.

He shuffles his way back to Mama’s room to find out who is here with him. Peeking his head into Olivia’s room Noah sees his mother’s face and Rafa’s. Making a quick decision to allow his mother to sleep Noah patters over to the side of the bed Rafa is closer to and reaches for the man. 

Shaking him with both small hands against Rafa’s arm Noah watches as Rafael’s eyes blink open.

“Hi Rafa, I’m awake,” Noah supplies rather uselessly.

It makes a slow smile form on Rafa’s lips, pulling them wide in a lazy, not quite awake kind of way, “I see amigo. You hungry?”

Returning the grin Noah nods, “si, tengo hambre.” (yes, I’m hungry.)

A rumble of a laugh emits from Rafa as he drags Noah off the floor and up onto the mattress, into his chest, “acostémonos aquí un minuto.” Noah seems happy to obey, snuggling into Rafa’s chest and hugging his arms as far around the man’s body as they will reach. (let’s lay here for a minute.)

It doesn’t last longer than a minute though, Noah’s tummy won’t allow it, not with the volume of growls. Rolling onto his back Rafael pulls Noah with him so the boy now lays on top of him and then pulls them both to the edge of the bed and walks to the kitchen.

Around lunchtime Olivia rises and pads into the apartment searching for Rafa and Noah. When she finds them her pair of boys are on the floor of the living room, having pushed the table to the wall. Rafa is on his back with his feet planted and legs bent while Noah is reclined, sitting on Rafa’s torso, back leaning against Rafael’s legs, arms behind his head looking entirely too comfortable. Rafa has his hands behind his head too and they are both enraptured by whatever is playing on the television screen.

Liv can’t control the bubble of laughter that escapes her throat, but she has her phone at the ready to take a photo of them before there is any chance to disassemble themselves from one another. 

Noah, unbothered by any of the goings on, greets his mother, “hi mama, do you have to go back to work today?”

There is a flutter in Olivia’s stomach as she takes in the view of the two of them, Noah very nonchalant about the whole thing, as though this is an everyday occurance for them. She wants it to be.

A bright smile lights up her face, “no sweetie, I don’t have to go to work. I have today and tomorrow off.”

Dropping his head so it is cradled in Rafa’s knees Noah’s arms shoot upward in a victorious display. Rafael takes the opportunity to tickle the boy’s underarms that are now exposed to him. Immediately Noah brings his arms down limiting Rafa’s mobility but still being tickled which pulls non-stop giggling from Noah. 

Retreating from his assault on Noah Rafael taps the boy’s hip, “go say a proper hello to Mami.”

It is easy for Noah to extract himself from where he lays over Rafa and go running to Liv’s open arms, “hello Mama!” 

Liv gathers him up and stands, shifting Noah to her hip and kissing his cheeks repeatedly and then walks them back to the living room. They find that Rafa has not moved from his position on the ground, but he sends a smirk up at their way.

“Need a hand?” Liv offers depositing Noah onto the sofa.

When Rafa nods Liv shuffles around him, settling her toes over his, and grabs his hands hoisting him from the floor. Once fully upright Liv and Rafa are standing very close to one another. For a few moments they just stare, enjoying the connection.

“Besame,” Olivia commands softly. (kiss me.)

The delight that spreads over Rafa’s face is beautiful, and he leans into her and kisses Liv gently, chastely aware that Noah is nearby. Rafa doesn’t release her after just one kiss though, it isn’t until he is able to kiss Liv a number of times that he steps away.

Glancing down at himself Rafa looks back at Liv, “I’m going to head home, get ready for tonight.” He winks at her as he says it. 

Noah hears this and starts pouting straight away, “don’t go Rafa, we can play all day today!”

“Well, mi niño, unlike you I haven’t brushed my teeth or changed out of my pajamas so I’m not ready to go out and play anyway. Let’s make a deal, I’ll go home and get ready for the rest of the day and then when I come back we can play all you want. Bien?”

Now that there is a plan in place all three begin to ready themselves for the remaining portion of the day, easy for Noah who had been changed and asked to brush his teeth after eating breakfast with Rafa.

Rafael returns a little more than an hour later, looking fluffed and groomed, still with a beard. He also has a bag slung over his shoulder that he sets down by the entryway. 

Noah is on the couch coloring when Rafa enters and happily greets the man, “hola de nuevo, Rafa.” (hello again Rafa.)

“Hola amigo,” Rafa answers easily, loving any and all Spanish exchanges he can have with Noah. “Dónde está Mami?” (Hi friend. Where is Mami?)

“No se, su cuarto?” Noah suggests and then catches Rafa’s movement as he goes to find Liv. (I don’t know, her bedroom?)

Following Noah’s thought process Rafa makes his way to Liv’s bedroom, rapping his knuckles on the wood of the closed door that meets him once there. He hears a muffled ‘come in’ from inside and slips inside the room, closing the door behind him. When he settles his gaze on Olivia Rafael sees that she is shimmying the jeans she plans to wear over her hips.

Their eyes meet as she fastens the clasp of her pants shut, “oh! Olivia, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.” Rafa has closed his eyes and backed his way to the door attempting an escape but he just slams against it.

A quiet laugh leaves Olivia as she pulls a shirt over her head, “it’s okay Rafa, I told you to come in, remember?” Now that she is all covered up she lets Rafa know, “you can open your eyes now you dork.” The tone is light so Rafael takes no offense as he listens to Olivia.

“How’d you know it was me and not Noah?” Rafa asks stepping further into the room and closer to Olivia.

She drops her head sideways as she watches Rafa walk to her, Liv focuses on him and his voice and allows herself to be surrounded by him, “hmmm, well, Noah isn’t exactly known for the quiet approach. And I don’t think he has ever knocked, usually he just yells through the door.”

They embrace the moment the distance between them will allow for it, Rafa still stepping into her. Liv is barefoot with Rafa still in his shoes so he has a small height advantage on her, Liv has to tilt her face up to him so she can look at him. Rafa decides he likes be able to look down at her face as she angles it his way, it gives him a regretful swell of manly pride. Rafa doesn’t dwell on the feeling.

Leaning down Rafa takes Liv’s lips between his own before he splits them open with his tongue. Olivia moans at the sensation, she is sure this, kissing him, will never cease to send tingles down to her toes.

Pulling back Liv can feel that her eyes have a dreamy, glazed over look, “mmm, you taste good baby.”

With widened eyes and reddened cheeks Rafa grins, “that’ll be the coffee, and the chocolate croissant probably.” With a pause Rafa contemplates Olivia, “baby?” At her small nod he continues, not before placing a tiny kiss at the end of Liv’s nose, “I like it, but only from you, I don’t know that I have ever let anyone else even give me a nickname, let alone a pet name.”

Squeezing him tightly Liv then steps away while reaching for a sweater lying across her bed, “well none of them were me, so…” her tone suggests light-hearted banter, and a smugness. Liv feels an overwhelming love and desire for the man letting her into his life in ways he has never allowed others.

Separating from each other entirely Olivia pulls on the socks she had selected earlier, Rafa speaks again, “no, that they were not.” Before saying, “I brought a bag so I could stay the night, if that’s - assuming - no not assuming, that’s not what I meant.”

With a bubbling giggle Olivia cuts Rafael short, “it’s cute that you’re nervous about sleeping over baby. You can relax now, that is perfect, I was hoping we would take our time with each other.” She sends him a wink before standing up.

Liv is facing away from him now, moving to the door to get back to Noah, Rafa can see the expression she wears in the reflection of the mirror, happy to have put it there. Averting his gaze to the back of Liv’s head Rafa gulps, “Liv?” He waits for her to look at him, she is still smiling, her lips swollen from kissing him, when they are looking at each other again he says, “I love you.”

That dreamy look is back on her face, “I love you too Rafa.”

The day passes quickly, Olivia and Rafa chase a wild Noah around the park for an hour before pleading with the boy to take mercy on them. He agrees on the condition that they can paint pumpkins after leaving, both adults readily agree to the terms set forth.

On their way from the park Rafa, Liv, and Noah stop at the market and pick out the best mini pumpkins they spot and walk themselves the rest of the way home. Setting some newspaper over the coffee table all three get to work painting, with Hocus Pocus playing in the background. Noah and Rafa take the task quite seriously while Liv enjoys simply painting the classic jack-o-lantern face onto her pumpkin.

Liv finishes painting her pumpkin first and sits on the sofa to hang by the boys as they continue painting. Each wears an expression of such concentration that Olivia has to hold in her laughter when she looks at them, taking things so seriously.

As each of them finishes they show off their work to Olivia. Noah is actually the first of the two who completes his pumpkin painting, “look Mama, do you like it?”

The pumpkin Noah shows her has a witch surrounded by spiders. Liv is impressed with the level of detail Noah has put into his painting, “I love it sweet boy, it’s very spooky!”

Noah smiles brightly at Olivia before setting the pumpkin back on the newspaper for it to fully dry. Climbing his way over to his mother Noah settles at her side and looks to the other man still painting, “what’s your pumpkin going to be Rafa?”

Rafael is hunched over his work, using a small brush to get the detail perfect, really putting all his effort into what he is doing, “you’ll see, I’m almost done.”

Giggling Noah flops against the back of the couch, content to watch the remainder of the film while he waits for Rafael to finish painting. It does take nearly the rest of the movie before Liv and Noah hear Rafael groan as he stands, stretching his stiff joints. Once he is more comfortable in his standing position he proudly displays his wonderfully decorated pumpkin to both anxious couch occupants.

“Está una calaveras para la Día de los Muertos,” Rafa explains in Spanish before clarifying in English, “it’s a skull like you’d see for The Day of the Day. I don’t know that much about the holiday but I had some Mexican friends growing up and I learned some things from them. Something like this would go on an ofrenda, an altar, for family members that have passed away already, as a treat for them.”

“That’s really cool looking Rafa, will you teach me more about la Día de los muertes, mortos? Cómo se dice?” Noah instantly jumps in. (How do you say it?) 

“Muertos,” Rafael enunciated.

Olivia loves the excitement in Noah at the prospect of learning more with Rafael, she is struck by how well they get along, “you’re a man of many talents Rafa, who knew you could paint so well?”

Scratching the back of his neck a bit awkwardly Rafael shakes his head, “I can’t really, just something like this.”

Setting aside her phone Liv looks to Noah, “I was talking to Cia, would you like to have a sleepover at her house tonight?” She runs her fingers through his curls, knowing the answer already but needing to hear it from Noah.

“Yeah! I love her house, and she always gives me sweets!” Noah’s predictable response comes immediately.

Rafa tosses his head back laughing knowingly, “watch out mi amor or else you’ll be as a chubby as I was when I was your age. Lucia Barba is a dangerous woman to be around if you like food as much as I do.”

Noah giggles while pushing his belly outward to pretend like he is chubby, telling Rafa that he is just like him. Rafa proceeds to descend on the boy with a tickle ambush on his puffed out belly. Unrelenting with the assault Rafa pulls Noah’s body to his own so that they are flush with one another, “oy, cuidarse lo que dice mijo lo se tu cosquillas manchas!” (oy, be careful what you say son I know all your ticklish spots!)

Wriggling like mad Noah gasps out, “detener por favor! Lo siento, detener.” (stop please! I’m sorry, stop.)

Raising his hands and letting Noah fall limply in his lap Rafa gives in, “bien, bien. Let’s go get some things together for your sleepover night.” (okay, okay.)

Still carrying the six year old Rafa and Noah make their way to Noah’s bedroom. Together they collect the things Noah will need while he is over Lucia’s house. When they reemerge from his room with a backpack full of clothes and supplies Noah is chatting happily beside Rafa, “oh, does this mean you can read me a story tonight?”

“Not tonight mi amigo, Mama and I are going to be here while you are with mi Mami.” Rafa explains.

Noah takes the news easily and soon Lucia is at the door to gather the boy and whisk him away so that Liv and Rafa can enjoy some time alone together. There is no concrete plan as to what is going to happen. Food will definitely be integral to the night, and there will likely be some drinking involved. And there will be, unquestioningly, kissing. Lots of kissing. Which they both hope will lead to love making. 

It all comes true, much to their shared relief. That night they make love multiple times, unable to hold back the need once they have experienced it for the first time. Most of the dates they go on involve Noah, which is just fine with them, but occasionally Lucia or Lucy will keep him for the night or weekend and they have time to themselves. 

Two months into this new phase of their relationship they move in together, it isn’t seamless by any means, but it works for them. Noah especially loves it. One evening in June Noah approaches his mother somewhat timidly to inquire whether he might be allowed to begin celebrating Father’s Day with Rafael now that he acts like his daddy. Olivia melts at the notion, indulging Noah in his plans to surprise Rafa, and to begin calling him Dad.

Rafa reaches an entirely new level of giddiness the first time Noah calls him Dad, Lucia cries. Before anyone really knows it a year goes by and it’s October all over again.

There has been an argument that continuously arises between Liv and Rafa regularly these past few days. They have been trying to determine what date their first anniversary actually falls on. Liv argues that as it usually would, with anyone else, it should fall on the day of their first date, where Rafa takes the stance that it should be the week before, when he came back. They can’t seem to agree.

It’s Rafa that concedes victory to Liv, mostly. On the day, exactly one year after his return, that Rafael argued should be their anniversary he leaves for work early. It isn’t because he needs to, it is so that he can leave Olivia a small gift and a note.

Upon waking Liv immediately searches for her absent bed partner, she sees something out of place on the coffee table and goes to it. There, laying on the table is photo album resembling the one shown in the Disney film Up and Olivia already knows she is going to cry.

Next to the album is a note in Rafa’s hand.

“Mi amor, mi vida, mi alma, mi todo, (My love, my life, my soul, my everything,)  
This last year with you and Noah has been the best one I have ever lived. The adventure we have begun is the most exciting experience so far, but there is so much more to come. I have added some pictures to ‘Our Adventure Book’ but all the empty spaces are my promises to you to always be here, to always be apart of the adventure. Thank you for loving me.  
Te amo con todo mi corazón,  
I love you with all my heart  
Rafael  
xx”

She was right, she is crying. Liv grabs at her phone and dials Rafa’s number right away. He answers swiftly.

“Hola amor.”

Liv can’t help the lovesick sigh that leaves her mouth, “Rafa, you are hopeless aren’t you?”

There is a rumbling laugh in answer, “when it comes to you and Noah? Absolutely.”

Liv is surprised when, the next morning, she wakes up alone again. Following her method of searching for Rafael she is once again met with a note on the coffee table with another small book next to it.

Picking up the book Olivia is sees that it is a collection of love poems. Rafael is honestly so hopelessly romantic, Olivia wouldn’t change him for anything. Having discovered what the book is she turns her attention to today’s note.

“Amor,  
Love can be a very difficult thing to express, so I had these poets do it for me.  
Yours,  
Rafa”

Short and sweet, and perfect. Liv doesn’t really understand how she managed to be lucky enough to receive this kind of love but finds so much joy in it. She loves this man with everything in her and he loves her right back.

The morning after Liv wakes first, Rafa’s arms securely wrapped around her middle and his snoring breath tickling her ear. Any morning that starts like this Liv considers to be a good one but there is a twinge of disappointing that rises in her when she thinks about the notes and gifts she had received the two days previous. 

Squirming her way out of Rafael’s arms Olivia rolls away to get out of bed. When she turns to face her bedside table Liv shakes her head, baffled by the man still sleeping in bed. Apparently Rafa can still sneak under her radar. There on the bedside table is some chocolate and another note.

“Really nice chocolate is a great way to start any day. Don’t overindulge though, I have some very indulgent plans for you and I tonight.  
xo”

Each morning Rafa manages to keep Olivia on her toes as to where the notes will be placed and what gift will accompany them.

In order, after the first three mornings, Liv received these gifts and notes.

The fourth morning she finds a small bottle of perfume that she decides will be her go to scent for any special occasions. The note reads:

“Romance - (n) is defined as a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.  
I’m glad you’re good at solving mysteries. Te amo”

Morning five brings the gift of tulips in a vase and a note along with it.

“You deserve to be surrounded by beauty as great as yours.”

On the sixth morning Liv is met with a map showing the night sky, and all the stars in it, on the day they met, the very first time, in the courthouse. The note:

“Mami suggested this one. I wasn’t sure how much you would like it, especially considering we can’t see many of the stars in the city but I figured I would go for it and bring the stars to you. If you asked me to I would go into the sky and bring you one back myself, I love you so very much Olivia. Rafa”

Day seven, the day they’d agreed would be marked as their anniversary still included a note a present. Rafael isn’t in bed when Olivia wakes up, but he is in the living room watching the news, cradling a half awake Noah to his side. The sight turns Liv’s heart to mush, just like every other time she sees them together. 

Her present is on the kitchen counter, it’s a small box with the note taped over it. Assuming she is to read the note first she plucks it from where it lays.

“Each note, including me, has a question you will see. In the box is what you need. All first letters you should read.”

It is quite different from her other notes but Olivia follows the directions she has been given. Opening the box Liv finds every note she has been given this past week. Confused she looks back at the newest note to remind her what she is looking for. The first letters, Rafael must have underlined them after he took them back from her. They are in order by day and Liv tries to piece things together using the indicated letters.

“M - A - R - R- Y,” she is shaking by now, “M - E?” And in tears.

With a hand covering her mouth Olivia spins around to go to Rafael only to find him standing behind her with their son hoisted onto one hip. They are all in their pjs but they are home, together, and Liv loves it all.

A movement shakes her from her thoughts and Olivia sees Rafael opening a box in his own hands, at the same time he is approaching her. 

“So,” Rafa starts, nervously, “will you, Olivia Benson, allow me the great pleasure of becoming my wife?”

She is sobbing quietly and merely nods in answer before she pulls her two guys into a fierce embrace. Liv giggles when she sees the tears dripping down Rafa’s cheeks and leans in to kiss him.

“I love you Rafael,” Liv finally manages some words.

Rafael responds in kind, “I love you too Olivia.” He glances at Noah’s sleepy face, “And you too, I love you Noah Porter Benson.”

After heaving a mighty yawn Noah confirms his feelings for his parents, “I love you too Daddy, and Mama.”

Revelling in the warmth and love of the hug they are sharing for a few moments Olivia drops her head to Rafa’s shoulder and he rocks them. Soon Noah wants to get down, go watch some cartoons so Rafa releases the boy but maintains a strong arm around Liv.

She brings her other arm to wrap around Rafa’s waist and curls into his body further, for just a few seconds, before she pushes him away with an excited thought, “is there a ring in that box you opened?”

He thinks she looks like a kid on Christmas morning and does his best to commit this moment to memory. Pulling the arm from around her back Rafa slips the ring from where it lay inside the box, “there is, it was mi abuelita’s. I think she would have liked for you to have it.”

Slipping it onto her finger brings more tears from each of them, Liv kisses him deeply.

“Who would have guessed that Rafael Barba could be such a sappy, hopeless romantic?” 

Shrugging Rafael doesn’t look at all ashamed or guilty of this, Olivia loves him more for it, “I never was before, you made me this way Liv. But I like it, I think I’ll stay this way. That way I can be your fiancée, and then your husband, and Noah’s dad.” Looking Liv in the eyes Rafa ends with, “I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If we wish hard enough maybe they will actually end up together, fulfill our dreams. One can only hope. Also, if anyone has any requests/prompts/ideas they'd like to have written for the Barsons I'd be happy to give them a go!!  
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> Not exactly a cliffhanger but you'll get the goods soon I promise. Drop me a line!  
> xx


End file.
